When working with clients with children and grandchildren, the conversation often shifts to multigenerational planning. Questions about estate planning documents and healthcare directives are typically answered easily enough. However, we’ve found that the greatest estate planning risk often isn’t missing documents — it’s leaving behind confusion because the people you love don’t understand your wishes. Parents think, “We’ve got it all taken care of,” or “We still have plenty of time to discuss that later.” But do your children understand not just what you’ve done, but why you’ve done it?
According to Fidelity, 97% of people think having conversations about estate planning is important, but 68% of parents haven’t spoken with their children about their inheritance.1 While it can be difficult or awkward to discuss death and money, avoiding the topics could create resentment, unclarified expectations, and strained family dynamics. Inviting age-appropriate children into estate planning meetings can help create understanding and confidence and reduce the overwhelm following your passing. You may have prepared the documents, but the more important question is whether you’ve prepared the people who will someday rely on them.
How Parents Can Prepare for an Estate Planning Family Meeting
While some estate-planning details may remain private, there are conversations that can benefit your heirs. Every family has distinct dynamics and personal values that shape how they approach estate planning meetings. Here are a few things to consider before scheduling yours:
When Should You Have an Estate Planning Meeting with Your Kids?
As a general rule of thumb, we recommend holding an estate planning meeting with your adult children if you have appointed them to a role or responsibility, such as executor, or if your plans include anything you think may surprise or confuse them. This could include unique family dynamics, such as plans for blended families or complex assets like a family business. In other words, if a family conversation today could prevent confusion tomorrow, it’s probably worth having. Rather than “who gets what,” the conversation expands to address assumptions, expectations, and potential conflicts.
If you have not yet had a meeting with your loved ones, other situations may force the issue, such as life transitions (e.g., divorce) or the unexpected (e.g., declining health or cognitive concerns). Still, being able to communicate directly with your children while you still have the opportunity — rather than them hearing your wishes during a crisis or grief — is a gift in itself.
Who Should Attend?
You know your situation best, but many of our clients will involve us or their estate planning attorney to help facilitate a meeting with their adult kids and potentially even age-appropriate grandchildren. Consider also who can benefit from the meeting’s purpose, rather than who is just a beneficiary. For example, if you’ve appointed a trustee outside your immediate family, it may make sense for them to attend.
What Should You Discuss?
Your family’s unique situation will guide the meeting. They may need help understanding the estate planning process, legal jargon, roles and responsibilities, and other details. For example, if you’re choosing a child to act as your executor or financial power of attorney — terms thrown around all the time — ensure they understand what those roles entail and what their responsibilities are before it’s needed. This is also an opportunity to introduce your children to the financial advisor, attorney, and other professionals who will help guide them in the future. Building those relationships before they’re needed can provide tremendous confidence during an already difficult time.
Additionally, your family may have certain assets or arrangements that may also inform the meeting’s content. For example, you may discuss your family’s business and its succession plan, care for a relative with special needs, and retirement plans you have that could impact them, such as selling the family home to live in Europe part time. A financial advisor and an attorney can provide topics for discussion that may affect your family and estate.
Are You Prepared Emotionally?
In addition to the logistics, complex emotions may arise once you share your intentions and what you hope your estate plan will accomplish. You may have to discuss why inheritances aren’t split evenly, explain why one sibling was chosen as an executor over another, or honor the wishes of a child who doesn’t accept the role or responsibility you’ve appointed them.
You may also learn your children have different expectations than you’ve assumed. You may focus on pinching pennies and flying coach in the hopes you can leave them the largest inheritance possible, only to hear they want you to enjoy what you’ve worked so hard for. These conversations are not only for sharing your plans but also for learning what matters to them.
In all these scenarios, it’s helpful to encourage questions and anchor the conversation in your family’s values. We’ve found that the strongest estate plans aren’t necessarily the most sophisticated — they’re the ones everyone understands. Perhaps you have a child with special needs who will require more support later, or one sibling is geographically closer to act as an executor. Maybe you’ll even reassess how much you’ve been saving for an inheritance and take that bucket list trip. While estate planning may sound strictly legal and financial, these conversations are often about something much bigger: preserving relationships. By addressing expectations before they’re tested, families can reduce uncertainty, avoid unnecessary conflict, and create greater alignment for years to come.
Prepare Your Family, Not Just Your Estate
Avoiding topics of money, death, and illness is all too common. You want to protect your children, however old, from the discomfort of losing a loved one, especially when everyone’s healthy. However, avoidance won’t spare your kids from difficult emotions, but it may add to their strain.
We seek to normalize family estate planning meetings as open forums for discussing matters freely, explaining your “why,” asking questions, and challenging long-held assumptions. We’ve seen how these conversations provide mutual understanding and reduce uncertainty, strengthening relationships.
If you’re unsure where to start, that’s when a trusted, objective third party can help facilitate. Your financial advisor and attorney can provide guidance on how to have a productive meeting, explain complex ideas, and answer questions tailored to the family.
While an initial family meeting may feel daunting, it should be the first of many regularly scheduled meetings to help stay aligned, address plan changes, and maintain ongoing dialogue. Your estate plan shouldn’t be the first place your family learns of your wishes. If you’re wondering whether your heirs are as prepared as your documents, that’s a conversation worth having.
Sources:
- Fidelity Investments. (2025). 2025 Family and Finance Study. https://preview.thenewsmarket.com/Previews/FINP/DocumentAssets/707745.pdf.
